We’re lucky. We live by a tiny town with a river that’s part of Ozark National Scenic Riverways. It’s called the Current River and is known for its clear water, movement that flows enough to carry canoes and kayaks, swimming holes, and fishing.
A couple of nights ago, my son and I went to the boat ramp in town. I was able to catch these sunset pictures. What a lovely evening it was.
January 27, 2023- sunset at the Current River
sunset at the boat ramp- January 27, 2023
snow in my mirror reflection- January 27, 2023
a tree in my window reflection- January 27, 2023
Current River view from the parking lot- January 27, 2023
It’s so wonderful to have nature close by. It fills up this photographer’s heart a million times over.
Yesterday we went to the river. During floating season, there are people all over the place and river ‘sounds.’ Things like: laughter, chit chat, boat motors, dogs barking, car doors shutting, music playing…
Currently, on the Current River, it’s the quiet time. The temperatures are cold in the water and in the air. I don’t mind the busy season, but I sure love the ‘nobody’s around you can hear nature’ time.
For instance, last night we were the only people there. For me, that brings nature back into sole view. Details called out. I noticed. There were pine trees swaying in the wind, leaves on the snow, pine cones sitting on overlooked paths, and my truck hood acted as a mirror.
January 27, 2023- pine cones at the river
January 27, 2023- snow as the perfect backdrop
trees on my truck hood- January 27, 2023
January 27, 2023- pine trees sway
On the way out, we were paused by a tree that crossed over the road. A gift really. A ‘slow down moment’ in days filled with hurries. So we did it, we paused.
tree leaned over the road- January 27, 2023
After going around it, I found myself looking, for color in the trees, for something that would demand a camera, or something that would make a stellar photograph.
Nothing really stood out ahead, but when I looked back perfection and grace were wearing the same coat.
My side mirror gave me a glimpse of what truck windows would notice, if they did such things. I stopped and got out. Here’s what I saw:
January 27, 2023- a scene that caught my eye
January 27, 2023- a window’s view
Glimpses of nature on some random Friday, filled up my lens, eyes, and heart with abundant gifts. Love when that happens.
Yesterday’s post was on handles. Today, I have some more cool pictures to share.
I love the idea that someday I’ll be reading my old blog posts and I’ll see these photos and remember traipsing around my dad’s tool shed, chasing the daylight.
Another thing I love, is that these things seem to have earned their places. They are not so new and a little worn, but they are still useful and somewhat charming, right where they are.
Handles… and not the CB kind. (Think old fashioned radios truckers used and cool names.)
I’m visiting my dad. After doing my walking laps, I got this idea to see if I could photograph some handles. I struck it rich with an old tool shed and some equipment. So many cool ones here.
A couple of years ago, there was a big craze with jars. Dried cookie ingredients in a jar, put gratitude on pieces of paper and stick them in a jar, salads in a jar, mason jars as gift holders, and more.
Yesterday, I received one of the coolest gifts I’ve ever seen! A ‘plant a bulb’ in a jar.
Like a flower bulb.
In a jar!
I’ve never heard of such a thing. Planting bulbs in the ground? Oh yeah, done that. In a jar? How fun!
Christmas was looking to be a hard one without my momma. So guess what one of my besties did? She found out that Amaryllis means ‘sparkle’ and she sent the bulb jar to me.
How sweet is that?
Because honestly, I haven’t felt very sparkly lately. Crying takes the shine right out. And, I’ve been doing my share of tear dropping recently.
Sparkle in a jar?
That grows and blooms into a gorgeous red flower?
I
am
in!
Thank you, SanDee, for the pick-me-up. It makes me want to plant sparkle bulbs all around my ten acres. What a beautiful show that would be.
Love when friends ‘show up’ on days- well, on any days and all days. The ones in the beginning, the messy middle, and whatever kind show up after.
She’s been there for me and with me through so-much-stuff. Buckets full. Before my momma went in the hospital. During the devastating 10 days of tough diagnoses and all the days since my momma made her heavenly trek.
Sometimes, being in this, this parent loss thing, some things feel like an end. The thing I love the most about her gift?
It’s the beginning
of a life
tucked up in a bulb.
I took some pictures of it so you can see. The directions say that the roots take 2 weeks to develop, then in 6-8 weeks it’ll bloom. Then, the flowers are said to last 2-3 weeks.
Perfect timing.
That’ll put it blooming on the year anniversary when I lost my momma. She passed away March 26, 2022 at 11:11 pm. It’s already making a hard day better. In March!!! ❤️
Here’s to flowers and friends and things that show up and work out when we aren’t even looking for them. I’ll take those sparkles- now and in 3 months!
My grandma Wilma kept daily journals for years. In them is just regular ol’ stuff. Things they did, calls they got. I used to do that when my kiddo was little, so he could read it when he grows up.
I think I’m going to start doing that again. Here’s some things I’m going to put in it about yesterday, Christmas Day:
80’s music coming from the kitchen
magic tricks
my husband making homemade gumbo
Santa
white Christmas
talking to my dad
ice sparkling on the swimming pool
staying up til 2 am reading Christmas books Christmas Eve
homemade sugar cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve
sunshine
messages from loved ones
the Christmas Vacation movie- where Clark goes down the sledding hill a zillion miles an hour, so funny
tears over my momma because she is missed
the cats walking around on the frozen swimming pool
listening to vinyl records on the suitcase record player after we opened presents
dancing in the living room to Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Fleetwood Mac, AC/DC, Leo Sayer, and a song my momma LOVED- Funky Town
playing games
working on a puzzle
laughter splashed all over the day
hanging out
my counting of blessings
Sounds like a wonderful journal entry and some great memory makers. Especially those silly cats, ha ha. My favorite parts were the gathering of gifts, magic tricks, laughing, and dancing.
My momma lovedddddddddd dancing. Years ago, we nicknamed her kitchen, “Diane’s Dance Hall.” It was surely fitting that we danced our day away, too.
Merry the-day-after- Christmas. Hope your holiday was what you hoped it’d be.
Hope you have whatever kind of holiday it is that you need. Sometimes they look different for us all.
Sharing some angels today.
my momma gave me this angel years ago
angel from my friend Kristie
tiny angel on my tree
our tree topper- my husband gave me this angel in 1995
angel ornament from my momma
angel from my dad
past gifts from my friend Kristie
a gift from my momma years ago
angel in my china cabinet
angel from my dad
the angel with the harp is from my momma
I just love angels, don’t you? ❤️
Thanks for being here this year. All your likes, reads, and comments really do mean so very much. As my friend, SanDee says, ‘heart on sleeve.’ It’s been a very heart on sleevy year for me.
Your kindnesses and plain ol’ flat out support have been more than appreciated. They’ve been read, listened to, sat on, absorbed, and are becoming part of an ever growing strength.
Nine Christmas Eve’s ago, my cousin’s mom suddenly passed away, leaving us all shocked and devastated. In the nine years since, I have paid attention to how she has navigated the loss of her beloved momma.
Although I didn’t quite understand her loss, I tried to be there for her. One thing that I noticed was that she didn’t stuff the loss down to deal with it later. In my eyes, she bravely stepped right into the loss of “holy sh*t, I’ve lost my mom, what am I going to do?”
I don’t know about you, but when a friend or relative loses their mom/ parent, I pay attention. There are lessons that live in someone else’s experiences. I hadn’t been IN her shoes, but when she talked about her days that came with her loss, I listened.
I still do.
A couple weeks ago, she said something monumental to me. It was about her view of grief. She’s nine years in, to mom loss.
I’m nine months in.
Her words were soothing and healing, instantly.
INSTANTLY
I’ve tried to write about it for two weeks. I’ve typed, backspaced, typed, backspaced. Words jumbled up. Couldn’t get them out in the way that I wanted.
Why?
Well, not everyone understands the roads we are on.
Some do. But, everyone?
No, not really.
Writing about loss and vulnerability is sooooooooooo hard. It’s somewhat edgy. Talk about it a little and it’s acceptable. Talk about it a lot and it’s ‘you’re grieving too much.’
Vulnerability is like a coat that nobody wants to put on. A hundred and fifty degrees below zero and there’s a coat of vulnerability laying there? Forget it, I’ll freeze.
With vulnerabilities come shame. Being nine months into mom/parent loss, I can see why people don’t talk about losses.
Grief isn’t discussed much. Sure, people throw out lines of “take your time”, “everyone grieves in their own way”, “deal with it however you need to’ while at the same moment, there seems to be an invisible time limit on when someone’s grief is enough and they should just move on or that there’s some particular way to get through it.
Twice this week, I’ve felt judged about my mom loss. That I’m not doing it right or I’m taking too long. If I just move on, my holidays won’t be hard.
Grief with stipulations…
Writing about the last nine months has been a gift, a privilege, and a heartache all at once. I write because I know that I am not the only one dealing with loss.
My hope is that if someone somewhere reads my words, that maybe they’ll find a smidgen of comfort or something that makes them feel a tiny bit better.
You know?
Loss with stipulations?
It does not work for someone like me, who is in it.
Stipulations only add to an already overflowing plate.
And, hey, I get it.
People mean well. Nobody wants anybody to be sad. I’ve said similar things to people myself to try to help them feel better fast.
Now I see that it really doesn’t work. It probably just pushed them away…
Yesterday, I cried most of the day over feeling like my grief is taking too long and that I’m not doing it right,
Most. Of. The. Day.
It was prompted by the phrase: ‘ohhhhhhh, you’re not doing very well, are you?’
Ouch.
Very well compared to what? That started kicking up self doubt like you wouldn’t believe.
What I’m getting at here, is that being open about how momma loss feels is super tricky. Do I have to talk about it? Not really. Would grieving quietly be better? Safer? Perhaps.
Hmm… trade vulnerability for quiet healing?
Maybe I should…
On the other hand, look at this space that sharing my journey has created here!!!
It includes things like:
being able to share similar stories
real honest to goodness compassion showing up
a place to talk about sad days, sudden tears, and hard moments
connecting to others who are in loss too
learning from each other
stumbling around in how to write after being so open
being transparent and being met with kindness and support
opening doors to conversations about parent loss
peeling off layers of crusted up, protective hearts (including mine) to let some things out and in
lessons shared
hugs sent
tossing old stories of time schedules in grief to the curb
opening the heart for new ideas instead
I think I’ll just stick to what I’ve been doing. Sharing. Because if I cry for a day, I cry for a day. The best I can tell, putting myself out there is making me stronger, too.
A couple of months ago I wrote a post about how I’ve got nothin’.
To write, that is.
Same today.
I know you all know that I had a catastrophic momma loss this year and have literally been one-step-at-a-timing through the days. I’ve gotta tell ya, this first Christmas season without her is rough.
I’m going to try something new: write a poem right this second and see if any words accumulate on the page. If not, this goes to Drafts. If so, we’ll see what it says.
Here goes:
Her Holiday by Jessica 12/18/22
‘Saturdays tick by
the calendar pages flipping so quickly that my eyes can barely keep up.
I saw her in March
it’s now December.
The wind blows days around like glittered snow in the afternoon sun, beautiful but fleeting.
Christmas approaches without her
heart aches
tears run
missing her like crazy.
She LOVED Christmas
had boxes of decorations, a brilliant tree, lights on outside things.
She adored Christmas shopping
the hand picking out of gifts for those she loved
even when a walker had to accompany her to the stores
nothing stood in her way at Christmas.
Seven days
is all that stands between
me and my first Christmas without her.
Ouch how that hurts.
Surreal
but real.
I told her we’d miss her every day
I was correct
we do.‘
Hmm…
I find myself asking ‘who will read such a thing?’
I mean, sadness at Christmas? Come on!
Part of me wants to backspace it out like I’ve done on every post I’ve tried to write since the 9th.
Maybe this time I won’t. Maybe ‘poem right this second’ worked. Maybe my writing is unblocked. ❤️ Now that would be something!
Well, there’s about fifteen minutes left of this first birthday without my momma. It was a spotty-teary-day, with the biggest amount that came this morning.
This afternoon, we shopped for bowling shoes. Found a pair and two bowling ball bags, so that was nice. We had our Birthday Bowl-a-thon at two different bowling alleys. It was very fun.
Birthday dinner took us back to the restaurant I wrote about a couple of times in the past several months. One post was about crying at the table. The other was about crying and smiling when a Stevie Nicks song came on while there.
Tonight I did quite well at our table. That is, until an old beloved Christmas hymn came over the speakers.
The part of a song that got me all choked up this time?
“Sleep in heavenly peace.”
Cue the waterworks…
Gratitude of my day of birth:
that I had a momma who loved me
that even though today was hard, I made it
being with my son and husband
hearing from my dad and siblings
getting texts from friends
two delicious meals out in one day
candles, cupcakes, and party decor
nice people who bowled next to us
the five friends who remembered me on social media today
Unmeasured Journeys 