A couple of months ago I wrote a post about how I’ve got nothin’.
To write, that is.
Same today.
I know you all know that I had a catastrophic momma loss this year and have literally been one-step-at-a-timing through the days. I’ve gotta tell ya, this first Christmas season without her is rough.
I’m going to try something new: write a poem right this second and see if any words accumulate on the page. If not, this goes to Drafts. If so, we’ll see what it says.
Here goes:
Her Holiday by Jessica 12/18/22
‘Saturdays tick by
the calendar pages flipping so quickly that my eyes can barely keep up.
I saw her in March
it’s now December.
The wind blows days around like glittered snow in the afternoon sun, beautiful but fleeting.
Christmas approaches without her
heart aches
tears run
missing her like crazy.
She LOVED Christmas
had boxes of decorations, a brilliant tree, lights on outside things.
She adored Christmas shopping
the hand picking out of gifts for those she loved
even when a walker had to accompany her to the stores
nothing stood in her way at Christmas.
Seven days
is all that stands between
me and my first Christmas without her.
Ouch how that hurts.
Surreal
but real.
I told her we’d miss her every day
I was correct
we do.‘
Hmm…
I find myself asking ‘who will read such a thing?’
I mean, sadness at Christmas? Come on!
Part of me wants to backspace it out like I’ve done on every post I’ve tried to write since the 9th.
Maybe this time I won’t. Maybe ‘poem right this second’ worked. Maybe my writing is unblocked. ❤️ Now that would be something!
Thank for reading.
Jessica
©️ COPYRIGHT 2022 UNMEASURED JOURNEYS- PHOTO TAKEN BY ME- ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Unmeasured Journeys 
Sending hugs and love, dear! She is always with you, and she wants you to enjoy the season the way she did, so please do all the things she loved and think of her! 🤗🎄❤
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Hi sweet one. I’ll try. Hugs to you. ❤️❤️❤️ Thank you for reading and saying kind things. She used to wrap gifts and forget the tag, so while we were unwrapping, she’d crack herself up, trying to remember what boxes when to whom. One year, she made a huge, gorgeous stained glass piece for the grab bag! Everyone wanted it! She made cookies and treats and covered every-thing in almond bark. Every-thing. Ha. I think I’ll make a list of things she did, and do them. Thank you for the suggestions. I trust them. 🎄🎄🎄❄️❄️❄️❤️❤️❤️
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Beautiful and heartfelt! I love Christmas, but it really is a tough holiday for those who are grieving. It magnifies the loss. I hope the pain eases for you soon! In the meantime, take care of yourself and just do the things that feel meaningful to you…there’s no law that you have to celebrate if you don’t want to!
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Heart wide open… tricky. Sometimes it’s received well, sometimes it isn’t. Thank you for what you said. Magnifies is an excellent word. It sure does. Thank you. Remember that post I wrote months ago about Switchbacks and Waves? How I didn’t /don’t know who to write during this?
And, how grief shows up like that song by Pat Green- ‘Wave on Wave’? It’s that, all over again.
Thank you for honoring me where I am in this. Christmas will be Christmas. Santa Claus and all that, it’s just the missing her that evokes a billion tears.
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The holidays are rough when people have lost a loved one during the year. Christmas Day my father announced he was leaving the family … he wanted to go in a different direction. That was 1983 … good riddance to him. So to me he is long gone, as of that day, as he took all the money out of the bank before he took off … that is not why I brought him up. It was that forevermore my Christmas Day is tainted by that memory. You have nice memories of your mom and your parents together … those memories will sustain you this holiday season. It will get better.
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Thanks.
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You wrote and let the words come to us. Marvelous! I share your loss and grieve with you.
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Thank you for grieving with me. Whew, this is a hard season. I appreciate you.
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Beautiful! ❤️ Maybe it was the type of writing that was blocked?! With poetry there’s so much wiggle room. It feels like freedom and release. I hope you continue to write more like this! HUGS!
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Hi sweetie, I think you’re right. Every other writing feels so heavy. Love your words ‘wiggle room.’ Thank you for commenting and your kind words.
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What a lovely poem, Jessica. Remember, it’s okay to feel great sadness at Christmas. Be gentle with yourself. This is my second Christmas without my husband and my dad, and I cry a lot about everything. It won’t always be this way, but right now we have to give ourselves grace to grieve. Blessings to you this Christmas.
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Hi. I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing. I’m so happy that you commented. Thank you for that. Love “grace to grieve.” I haven’t been doing very good with that lately. I’ve been feeling bad for crying, but the tears don’t care. They fall anyway. It’s like in the beginning, almost. Back then I cried for months daily. Then it let up some. It’s back. You mentioned that you cry a lot about everything. Looks like we’re in the same boat. I know I’ve said I’m sorry you lost your dad and husband, but I really am. That has to be so incredibly difficult. May heart is with you. Thank you for the blessings. I appreciate everything you said.
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Thank you for your kind words. I will be thinking about you throughout this Christmas season. Things will get better, and there will be times of no tears and times of many tears. I think that’s just the normal process. Take care of yourself!
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Ditto!!! I’ll be thinking of you, too. I think you’re right about no tears/ many tears. They come when they come. Healing is layered, I’ve found. I’ve been doing pretty good, but whew, these first sets of holidays hurt. I’m imagining myself in January with some profound inner strength for getting through this. Then, that strength will help carry me through the next big thing. Thank you, I will. ❤️
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Beautiful post. Remember while you can’t see her, she is there- watching how you celebrate this joyful season, wiping your tears and singing through the festivities.
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Hi. She would be singing and laughing and fussing over gifts and trying to figure out whose gift was still under the tree unmarked. Your words are sweet and uplifting. I thank you so very much.
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I think it was beautiful, Jessica! Hugs to you and yours, and I hope you all have a Merry Christmas.
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Thanks so much. Whew, I reread it and it feels pretty sad. Good to get it out though. Not many things worse that writer’s block. Baby steps. Thank you. I hope you have a Merry Christmas, too.
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