I Quit Writing

/ Jessica

I quit writing. Sometimes it’s just easier to

quit

writing.

I knew March would be tricky, hard, and emotional, so I haven’t written anything, scheduled anything new, or added any new stressors.

I knew March would make things even more real. It would state the obvious. It would trample on hearts already worn down by twelve months of missing.

Two days ago marked the one year date that I last spoke to my momma. Her few words before I left the hospital that night.

Tomorrow marks the one year date that things were on the upswing. A plan for healing was being put in place. Hope returned to the table. We were more optimistic.

That very same day, when tiny glimpses of sunshine and rainbows and ‘we’re figuring this out’ strolled back in, there was a setback… a setback that flipped worlds inside out and upside down and not just mine.

I quit writing. After being SO OPEN about what momma loss is like, I clammed up. I lost my sense of direction with words and where to go with them.

Transparency, while standing hip deep in parent loss, got me some unwanted remarks and advice I didn’t ask for.

It shut me down, I quit writing.

I’m making art today, listening to music, and with wet cheeks, I’m missing my momma. This weekend marks the one year date we lost her. I shake my head wondering how three hundred and sixty five days went by already. Time in parent loss is a mysterious thing.

Suddenly I had a little tweak of interest in writing again. Like, right now. So, I’m going with it. If you’ve been down this parent loss road, you may understand all this. If you haven’t, I’ll pray for you when you do. There are no words to wrap around an entire year of missing someone.

I quit writing,

until I started writing again.

Jessica

©️ COPYRIGHT 2023 UNMEASURED JOURNEYS ©️COPYRIGHT JESSICA ADAM

48 thoughts on “I Quit Writing”

  3. I totally understand Jessica. I was not blogging at the time I lost my mom – it was thirteen years on January 31st for me and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. She was my last relative so there is not anyone that I can even talk to about her … all her friends are now gone as well. I have photos and memories to sustain me.

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    • I’m sorry that it happened that you have no family to talk to her about. Even with some family in the same boat, it’s lonely at times. If you ever want to talk about your momma, open ears here. Hugs.

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      • Thanks Jessica – you have passed the major hurdles in your first year … the anniversaries and Mother’s Day, Mom’s birthday. It will stilll be raw for a while, but will get better. Hugs back to you. ❤️

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  4. You and your family have been on my mind so much as this is a very difficult anniversary. One that none of us would have expected, for sure. Your Mom was very special and so precious. The memories we created and those she shared about her family coveted many hours of our lives. I was always a better person with her by my side.

    I pray for you and your family as there just isn’t any way to lessen this painful journey. Loving our parents is such a blessing; and while it breaks you sometimes, try to remember how full your life has been because you chose them as your parents. Hold onto to that passion you have, however painful, as brighter days will come just having been her daughter.

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    • Oh my goodness. Talk about having a way with words… your comprehension of this is so beautiful and real. I know I always say this, but the bond you two had, moves mountains. It’s like God saw 2 girls and said, bonded, now lifelong friends. She always, always, always talked about her Linda. I will never forget at the hospital when she said you were on your way. I am listening and trusting in your words because you walked this mom loss journey before me. Oh my lord have mercy, there’s no prepping for missing someone so much. I’m thankful for your sweet words and constant support through this. I love what you said at the end- mostly because I KNOW, mom would’ve said something similar to a kiddo of yours. ❤️

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  6. I was wondering why I hadn’t seen a post from you lately, and hoping you were okay. Grief is such a hard thing, and I think it’s important to do whatever it takes to help you cope. Sometimes pulling back from obligations is absolutely the best thing to do, and I’m glad you knew that. Losing a parent is something you have to experience to understand. It took me a long time to get over my father’s death, and that’s okay. It took my husband even longer when his parents died within five weeks of each other. Just take care of yourself, and know that your blogging friends both understand the situation and are here to support you!

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    • Hi! I was praying you’d see this post and respond- I kept checking. For some reason, your comment was in Trash- glad I saw it. ❤️ My goodness, I can understand why it took a long time to get over losing your father- this parent loss thing is tricky at best. And, two in five weeks for your husband? My heart aches for him even now. Something you said rings SO true for me, about how losing a parent is something you have to experience to understand. I don’t think there are any truer words. Before all this, when my friends lost their mommas, I thought I KNEW what it was like for them and what they could be feeling… NOPE. Nowhere near it or even close. If I could go back, I would completely change my support for them- I missed it by 1000 miles. Thank you for saying my blogging friends understand and are here to support me. The bridge between being open in loss and writing regular ol’ stuff has been a doozy. Soooooooooo new to me. You’ve been a 100000000000000% support beam in this journey since the second I spoke of it. Thank you for that. I remember I wrote a piece called ‘Switchbacks and Curves’ and you stepped up and wrote something helpful. You’re right about blogging friends, you guys have been absolutely great! Whether the writing comes every five minutes or every 5 months. Big hugs!

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    • Hi. You’re very sweet to me. It’s definitely not a road I would’ve picked and I definitely wasn’t ready. Thank you- I miss chatting with you. A world apart, but close in heart. Hope your husband is ok. I think of you guys a lot. ❤️❤️❤️

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      • Just one last thought: Allow yourself to be sad when it wants to overwhelm you – don’t rush to get over your sadness. Thanks, Berto is doing very well. We are truly grateful to the Lord for keeping him in His hands during the last two months.

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        • Hi. I’m happy to hear he is doing very well. Hallelujah for that. Love what you said- about sad and overwhelm and not rushing sadness. That’s how I’ve spent the last 364 days. Crying when needed, etc. because I wanted to deal with it now and not shove it in and have to deal with it in 10-15 years. Probably why I’ve been more emotional than most, I guess. When people tried to rush me through it, I said no- no rushing. There is a beauty in taking things as they come, even loss, because I’ve learned that even in the hardest moments, I am pretty darn strong myself. Hugs and thanks for everything.

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  8. I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time Jessica. Unlike the other posts my parents are in their 80’s and my MIL is 93. I don’t know how I will deal with the loss and am I not looking forward to it when it happens. I know it’s the cycle of life but I am so afraid it will be one after the other and I’m not sure how to deal with that. Sending hugs and happy to see you posting. 💕

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    • Hi. I’m so happy you have your parents and mil. I bet the 80’s and 90’s are some glorious years. Lots to savor and enjoy, I bet. Hoping I get those years with my dad, my momma was just 75. I agree about the cycle of life, knowing it’s coming “someday” makes it extremely difficult to guess how it will actually be. The only way is through, I guess. I appreciate your kindness and thoughts. Losing one parent has cemented the fragility of life- holding on tight to those still here. I pray you have your loved ones many, many years yet. Thanks for the hugs. I’ll take them. ❤️❤️❤️

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  10. It’ll be two years in July since I had my last conversation with my Dad. He and I were so very close and so very much alike. We truly understood each other. Even though we can never completely understand another’s experience in losing a parent, those of us who have gone through it can empathize on a profound level. Big hugs to you, Jessica and I hope your writing brings some catharsis for you.

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    • Hi Terry, it means a lot to me that you understand what this is like. Thank you for reaching out and telling me about you and your dad. It’s very helpful to me. Last night, my husband told me his friend just lost his mom. My heart sunk for his friend. Parent loss has to be among the loneliest of journeys, because the inner/hardest parts of the losses aren’t discussed. Loss is some heavy baggage to carry for awhile, it seems. I truly appreciate your kind words and understanding.

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      • I’ve been thinking of you. Yes, things can be very bumpy. I know I’ve said this before, but we have to give ourselves grace and be patient with our own emotions. I spent the better part of two days this week in tears and have no idea what set me off. So, when the tears come, just let them flow. Take care of yourself…

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        • Hi. I love the part where you said you have no idea what set you off in tears- my math mind often tries to figure out the logic of why I’m crying at a moment… love your thoughts here. Just letting it flow. Thank you so very much. Hugs to you. I know this journey through your losses is difficult, too.

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  14. Jessica, I have been wondering about you, hoping you were okay. I nearly texted you a couple of times. I am glad you posted today. There will always be a hole in your heart. I miss my mom every single day, too. So very much. And like you, sometimes just seeing something will hurt my heart, bring back a memory and the tears start. I had my mom until she was almost 100 (6 days shy!). I am sure losing your mom when there were so many years that could have been is utterly devastating. I hope you can find something meaningful to do on the one year anniversary. Something that will help you get through a hard day. And if not, that’s okay, too – as long as you get through the day. Please know I am thinking of you – and all the brightness you add to the world – in spite of being sad.

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    • Hi sweet Betty. I’ve thought of you a bunch, wondering how you’re doing with your mom loss. I didn’t want to intrude, so I didn’t text either. Feel free to text me anytime you wish. It would be nice to hear from you. B and I are headed to my dad’s for ‘the day.’ Want to be there for him and be home. I’m hoping to find wildflower seeds between now and then so I can plant them around the house. She loved wildflowers SO much. Thank you for your compassion and understanding. I don’t like that we’ve both lost our momma/mother, but knowing someone who is in it, too, helps. Love and big hugs to you and Dan.

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  15. Thank you for this!! I’m so sorry for your loss!! I understand this in so many ways. It will be 4 years this June since I last spoke to my dad and it will be four years from the day he died. Which also means our niece will be celebrating her fifth birthday. Another niece will celebrate her fifth birthday on Tuesday and it will be my Grammies first heavenly birthday. I understand loss in a big way and I appreciate this blog post today so much. Hugs to you! Know you are not alone!!

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    • Hi. What a gift your comments are. Thank you so very much. I’m sorry to hear about your losses, too. Losses certainly are their own cup of tea. Many times through this year, I’ve felt like I was at my own ‘table’ through this. I appreciate your kindness and your openness in sharing. They say time going by makes things easier, BUT the more time goes by, the longer it’s been since hearing those last words. I’ll think of you on Tuesday and in June. Thanks for the hugs, sending them your way, too. ❤️

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