On Birthdays

May 11, 2023 / Jessica / 28 Comments

On May 11, 1946 my momma was born in an old Iowa farmhouse and I swear, the moon must’ve been shining bright and all the flowers must’ve been singing upon her arrival to this lovely planet.

Today, I imagine what it must’ve been like that day, in the country, in a two story house that sat back near some trees, at the end of a long winding lane.

I bet there was such joy when a new baby came. A celebration. Ooooing and ahhhing over tiny fingers and rosy cheeks. Life changes with a baby.

Life also changes without one. My momma wasn’t a baby when she passed, she was 75, but she was still somebody’s baby. Someone’s dream come true, back in 1946.

And, she was ours. Our life and our dream. She was a momma, wife, friend, cousin, niece, sister, aunt, and grandmother. My, oh my, how we miss her.

Birthdays were always a big thing for my momma. When ours rolled around, she decorated, did the cakes, and made our day so special. How amazing, really, those yearly reminders of how the moment we were born was still worth celebrating.

Birthdays meant something to my momma. And, because of her, they mean something to me. I tend to go ‘all out’, too. Streamers and banners, a cake and gifts, and confetti to top it all off.

It’s funny, the shift that takes place after someone passes and their birth-day comes. It’s such a contradiction. Here we are, on this date that used to be so laughter, cake, and gift filled, to another reminder that she’s gone.

Birthdays are different after loss…

Today is the 2nd birthday of hers since she passed. Last year was a tear filled mess. She was about to turn 76, but didn’t make it, so that birthday was sooooooo hard.

If you follow my blog, you may have noticed I haven’t written anything for a long time. I quit writing again. I let a comment get to me- it was one of trying to push me through my journey of momma loss.

It broke me in a way that squished all desire to write. Before it, I had been honest about how momma loss feels.

After it?

I pulled the shades up around my writing and I stopped, again. It wasn’t the first time a comment caused me to throw in the writing towel.

But, you know what?

My momma loved this blog and she especially loved when I started writing again after having a big case of writer’s block. So today, I’m writing for her.

Happy Heavenly Birthday to my momma! ❤️❤️❤️

If there is such a thing as reuniting with family and loved ones on the Heavenly side, I hope they’re having a big ol’ party for her. She would surely love it!

Thanks for reading,

Jessica

©️ copyright photo taken by me, Jessica Adam

In My Heart This Birthday

December 3, 2022 / Jessica / 20 Comments

All the nostalgia of Iowa (my momma was born in a farmhouse near Ricketts, Iowa) and the date on the calendar have me thinking about a few things.

It’s now December and my birthday is approaching quickly. Since my momma passed at the end of March 2022, I have been pretty sad over my upcoming birthday.

Why?

The day itself has some big meanings.

She and dad were high school sweethearts. After dad graduated, he and his twin brother went to Texas on football scholarships. After she graduated the next year, her and her best friend hopped a bus to Colorado, got apartments, jobs, and stayed.

True love won out. A year later and my parents reunited in Iowa. One time she told me that at that time, they really wanted a baby. They got married and the baby came.

Guess who that was…

Me!

In December, the year they were wed, I made my appearance in an Iowa hospital. Mom used to tell the story about my name. They didn’t have a name picked out quite yet. Then, they chose Jessica and a nurse named Jessica thought it was after her.

Is that sweet or what?

Fast forward to my husband and I. Finally, after 5 years of infertility and baby loss, I was able to get and stay pregnant. My miracle baby was born a month early.

You’ll never believe what day it was!

My birthday!!!

I had been on bedrest for weeks and guess who came to take care of me so my husband could work?

My momma.

Her and dad were at the hospital when I was almost lost to high blood pressure and pre-eclampsia. They sat in the waiting room with my husband, thinking I wasn’t going to make it, while I had an emergency c-section. And, they welcomed our beautiful baby an hour later.

And, do you know what my momma did? She showed up with a gorgeous chocolate birthday cake that the bakery made out to me and baby!

After a week in the hospital because of complications for me, we were finally released. I have never been so happy to go home. When we got there, she had the front porch all decorated up with ‘Welcome Home’ signs and a big teddy bear in the outside rocking chair.

She stayed and took care of us for two weeks. She did the meals, laundry, walked the dogs, and loved on the baby.

She rocked him in the recliner, danced with him to James Taylor in the living room, and even gave him his first bath. They were instantly bonded.

She spoiled us and we saw her during a bunch during the year/ years, but she showed up especially strong on our birthdays.We’d always get a birthday box in the mail from her and dad.

Last year she asked me what was something I needed for the kitchen that he and I could use together. I suggested mixing bowls and measuring cups. A set of beautiful Pioneer Woman mixing bowls and some measuring cups showed up at our door.

So…………….. I’ve been crying and sad for months over a birthday that hasn’t even happened yet because a big part of it is gone: she’s gone.

Her asking is gone. Her sending is gone. Her celebrating is gone. Ouch, that’s a bit hard to handle.

But, you know what?

A few nights I had this huge revelation:

Yes, the days of her sending us gifts are done, but, what if I got us gifts in honor of her? Like what if I picked out something to add to things she’s gotten us?

Because, here’s the thing. Trying to get through mom/ parent loss has a learning curve that you wouldn’t believe. (Unless you’ve been through it.) Mostly, it’s the ‘how’ in figuring out how to go on without them.

First holidays, regular days, birthdays, and just days in general can feel like huge mountains. And, quite honestly, they can feel a bit impossible. Back in March, I never thought I could do my birthday without my momma, but here I am putting one foot in front of the other.

Would my momma want us sad on our upcoming birthday, a day that meant so much to her and us?

Absolutely not.

She’d want us celebrating.

So, I ordered myself some Pioneer Woman measuring cups and bowls I think she’d like. and we’re also going out of town for the night for something fun to do.

In five days, probably through tears, I am going to celebrate two babies who were wanted so much, me and my son. She may not be here, but she’s definitely going to be in my heart this birthday.

Appreciate you reading.

Jessica Lyn

(I was named Lynn, after my dad’s twin brother. But, they changed my Lyn to one n.)

Summertime Swim Party

June 26, 2022 / Jessica / 4 Comments

Well, I pulled off a surprise party! For over a month, I’ve had a surprise swim party planned for my husband’s 50th birthday!

A month ago, my invitations went out to some of his work friends, his bowling friends, neighbors, and some local friends.

We were all able to keep it quiet! Even me, which was a bit tricky, ha ha. I almost slipped up a few times.

Because we live near the river and lots of families go there for the weekends, and kids have baseball games, etc, I made it a come and go open house.

Yesterday morning, my husband still had no idea!! About noon, my son and I gave him a gift to open. In it was party blowers and an invitation to his own party! He was very surprised!

We had a great crowd. Everyone brought a potluck dish and we had a ton of food. The temperature was 102 degrees, so the swimming pool was full.

We all had a wonderful time.

Here’s to friends, life’s big celebrations, summer, swimming, and surprises.

Hope you have a glorious day!

Jessica

A Wildflower Birthday Without Mom

May 11, 2022May 15, 2022 / Jessica / 19 Comments

On this day, in 1946, my momma was born in an old farmhouse in rural Iowa. Oh how I wish she was here to celebrate this day, but life has taken us on an unplanned, unwanted journey.

You see, unexpectedly, she passed away at the end of March. April brought my parent’s 55th wedding anniversary and Easter. May brings Mother’s Day and her birthday.

For a week, I’ve been trying to figure out how to do a birthday without somebody. She had me when she was 21, so there’s been many years of gift making, card buying, and such for me. Her loss brings all those traditions to a halt.

So, here it is, THE day.

What I’ve decided to do is plant wildflowers. I picked out a place in my yard that’s not a ‘front and center stage’, but more of a ’come and sit for a bit.’ It’ll get plenty of sun and moonlight. Oh, how my momma loved the moon.

The lines are blurred about who started our love for wildflowers first. Years ago, I remember pointing out all types of them on the roadways when we traveled. Perhaps I sparked an interest for her, but it could’ve been the other way as well.

She grew wildflowers in her yard and would show them to me every summer. My, how she loved them. Seeds to colored brilliance is a miracle in itself.

For her services, I made wildflower seed envelopes for people to take. The sign I made read, ”She loved flowers. Let’s plant some.” Love the idea of people growing flowers to think of her, too.

My back pasture is in it’s gorgeous summer bloom. Daisies, wild roses, and more adorn my walking path. What a joy to see them there, especially today.

If there’s such a thing as heavenly birthdays, I hope today is a big celebration there. My family and I surely do miss her.

Here’s to wildflowers and birthdays. Time for me to go plant some!

Hope you have a lovely day,

Jessica