Shoes

You guys!!!!! I bought the shoes!!! And, not just two pairs! Three!!! (If this makes no sense to you whatsoever, check out yesterday’s post.)

So, after I wrote yesterday, me and Little Bit (who is one inch taller than me, how does THAT happen?) set off on a shoe-finding-adventure. The first store had a couple I kind of liked, but the wrong sizes. The second store had absolutely nothing in my style. And, whoa, baby, in the third store, I struck it rich!!

I spied a pink pair of little tennis shoes. I don’t know if you know this, but I LOVE pink. Like, I have three pink rooms in my house kind of love. I tried them on. I LOVED them, Little Bit LOVED them. The box went into the start of a pile. A PILE. Like, for ME.

Now, I know what you may be thinking, “Geez lady, it’s just shoes, not anything very exciting.” But, to me, this is everything.

Under the pink shoes, wayyyyyy down on the bottom shelf, under something, was a black shoe. Immediately my interest was piqued. I picked it up. Oh my gosh, seriously? Can you instantly fall in love with a pair of shoes????? They were in my size, but the box, it was pretty battered up. It was taped back together and looked rather rough. I tried them on. Still concerned that maybe they were a return, I asked a sales person. Not a return. That box went into the pile.

Down the row we went. Ok, I LOVE flowers, wildflowers in particular- it’s a long story, I’ll tell you later. Suddenly, I saw them! These amazing embossed-with-flowers gems! I tried them on!! They are beautiful and are something I totally had in mind, before I walked in! Seriously? What are the chances that after striking out in two shoes stores, I would walk into the next one and in a single row, find my bestest color AND two others that made me want to jump up and down and clap my hands, IN MY SIZE?

Miracles, my friends. They show up, unannounced sometimes, and offer up a basket of “told you you could do this. Told you you were allowed and worthy and meant for really great things. Even great things like shoes.”

Life experiences can stumble all over us sometimes. They can bruise us up and pull the rug out from under our innate trueness and ability to honor our complete and total selves. I’m pretty sure I am not alone in this notion. For instance, there was a point in my life that I went through some pretty yucky things, like they happened TO me. Someone at that time told me I deserved those things. And, that stuck. For approximately thirty years…. believing I deserved horrible things was pretty darn heavy. The run off from that statement alone, presented ripples in my self confidence and self esteem for longer than I can even explain. It affected everything, even my ability to trust my own gut…

But, here’s the thing. We may believe what we believe until we don’t. Best I can tell, we are all healing from somethin’. Perhaps big, perhaps small. Probably not the same thing from the same time, but that’s a-ok. I figure, we are all in each other’s life for a reason. Whether we have been friends for years, are newly aquainted, or if you are brand new to this site. Being a work in progress can be a glorious, beautiful thing.

Which leads me back to yesterday’s post. Most of my life, I thought I was only deserving of one pair of shoes, even if they hurt my feet, and even if they were totally worn out. How flawed is that? No one deserves bad things or blisters, including me.

Thanks for being here! See you tomorrow!

PS I’ve never even owned shoes like these before!! Woo hoo!!!

Jesssss

The Best in Friends

For the past 2+ years, I have hosted a couple of online women’s groups. Friendship circles, actually. And, in those spaces, grace showed up and taught me how to navigate the somewhat tricky terrain of connection.

I’ll admit, I struggle with the whole idea of friendship in general. You know, that whole letting “my guard down, opening my heart, and truly letting people in” thing. It’s defInitely been hard for me.

You see, a million moons ago, around the high school time frame, I had a “best” friend. And, I mean “attached at the hip, did every-single-thing as a team, if one was faint in breath, the other one would pick up the breathing slack, type of friend. We celebrated together, cried together, lifted others up together, supported each other together, dreamed big together. We had tremendous life goals and were going to accomplish amazing things! Game plan? Check. Grand ideas? Check. Gonna rock the world? Double check.

It was all sooooo great, until it wasn’t and we didn’t. The friendship ended painfully and abruptly and with that, I think half of my heart fell out.

Eeks!! Wouldn’t it be easy to just sum it up to lessons of an impressionable youth? Just slap a “that happens sometimes” sticker on and move along. For me, though, the loss ran much deeper and stayed around for so many years.

Honestly, I haven’t had a “super gigantic, all inclusive, complete trust-filled, laugh “til you both wet your pants, open your heart ALL the way up, singular, best friend” since.

Scars do that, you know? Scars crust things over. Now, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t completely give up, I tried again. If you’ve been through it, you may understand that draw, that craving, that quest almost to try to fill in that gaping hole. For me all of those things equaled the perfect pathway directly into settling. As in, settling for friends. Boy, has that been a bumpy trail.

The other day, I told you that I’ve been working through the book, “The Artist’s Way.” Basically, it is a tool to help unblock limited beliefs and things that can slam on the brakes to creativity. During my work, interestingly, I discovered that I have some kind of attachment to the word ‘one.’ Like, if I get one of something, I hang onto it for dear life. One pair of shoes, one towel, one purse, one pen, one way of doing things. I hang onto things until they are completely worn out, barely functioning, and actually, right now, in this moment, I’m wondering if it stems from that huge, heartbreaking friend loss all those years ago… Makes sense. Fear of something ending badly sure can sway the trajectory of things.

Call it life lessons or perhaps just some wisdom plus maturity, but my grand adventurous journey of finding and essentially replacing that one best friend has ceased. Instead, I have opened my heart space up to the notion that friendship isn’t a one size fits all venture and for me, maybe it never was.

In fact, an amazing soul sister I know recently shared something so cool with me! It was along the lines of: different people can make up whoever it is we need. So, in my thinking, one person could be the “laugh ‘til tears run-er.” Another could be the “talk openly to-er”. The next one is maybe a “sure, I’ll help you feed a family, let me go grab a meal-er.” And, another may be the “having something at your house, I’m going to show up-er.” And, another could be the “cry if you want, I understand-er.” And, a whole bunch of them all put together could be the “cheer-ers, celebrate-ers, let’s dream big-ers.”

Wow! What a cool concept!

So, wherever you are in your quest for best friendship, let’s honor that. If you have one fabulous bestie- bravo!! If you’re more like me and have an ever expanding **value pack** of friends- bravo!! Or, if you’re still on the quest to find best friends, bravo!! Keep trying!!

What a lesson! Who knew that some thing from so long ago could have such a hold? And, that maybe in my lifelong mission of trying to find the best of friends, I actually found the best IN friends.

P.S. I think today I may do something I’ve never done before!!! Go buy TWO pairs of shoes! ❤️

Thank you for reading, I hope you have an glorious day!